PARENTHOOD - Unchanging Principles of Parenting by Cathleen Parks

Welcome to week number two of the series called Parenthood. Today, we are going to study what we call the unchanging principles of parenting. We are going to look at three principles that never change in all of our relationships, especially parenting because quite honestly, there are many, many things that do change especially in our philosophies of parenting. For example,
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Things change in your philosophy in parenting.

Today, though, we are going to look at an encounter that Jesus had with some children, and in it, we see the three unchanging principles, really, of all relationships. Let’s look at scripture. Mark 10:13 and following, here’s what the Bible says. READ People were bringing little children to Jesus to have Him do what? Would you say these next five words with me? “To have Jesus touch them,” but the disciples rebuked them. When Jesus saw this, He was indignant. He said, ‘Let the little children come to me and do not hinder them for the kingdom of God belongs to such as these.’ He said, ‘I tell you the truth. If anyone will not receive the kingdom of God like a little child, he will never enter it.’ “ Verse 16, “And he took the children in his arms. He put his hands on them and he blessed them.” In that one little story showing Jesus encountering little children, we see the three unchanging principles of great relationships.
The first one, so important. If you are taking notes, number one is loving touch.

Loving touch communicates a rich sense of unconditional love and acceptance. Verse 13, people were bringing their little children to Jesus to have them do what? Say it again, to have Him touch them. Now, why were they bringing the children to Jesus to have Him touch them? Because there is power in loving touch. There is power. Now unfortunately I think a lot of people have this freaked out image of what the touch of Jesus looked like. I think I probably watched too much of the bad preaching channel where there would be a line of people and the preachers would take their hands and put them on the people’s foreheads and say, “Be healed in Jesus’ name,” and their hair would be everywhere. And so, I imagined all these little kids in front of Jesus standing up with His hands coming down on their heads saying, “Be healed in the name of the Father, and in the name of Me, and in the name of the Holy Ghost,” you know, or something like that. But in all reality, His touch was very likely incredibly different. How do we know this? Look at what Jesus actually said, “Let the little children come to me” Notice he didn’t say ‘bring them to me....he said let them come to me - I don’t know about your experience but I know that from my experience children don’t just GO to someone they aren’t comfortable with. MALL STORY So when Jesus touched the little children, it was very likely He was someone they felt comfortable with. Maybe he was kicked back, sitting on a rock, arms extended and they just came running up to Him and He would embrace them. He would hold them, maybe snuggle with them and speak just awesome words of encouragement to them. It was very, very relational. Now, why is this so important? Well, I’ll tell you something I remember learning in Child Development classes - years ago that helps to illustrate it. In the Thirteenth Century, there was this unusual king named King Frederick, II, that tried this just off-the-wall experiment. He was curious, what language would a child speak if that child was never, ever spoken to from the time he or she was born? Weird idea, but he wanted to find out what language would the child speak and so he had fifty babies brought into his laboratory of experiment and he had some ladies agree to take care of these fifty little infants, but the only agreement was, they were not allowed to speak ever to these babies. They were not allowed to show affection or emotion. They could just feed the baby, change the diapers … no googagaga. No oollaala. Nothing affectionate toward the babies. Well, the experiment failed. Can you guess why? Because all fifty babies within a year died. Now, why did they die? Not because they were lacking physical nourishment, but most would argue because they were lacking emotional and relational nourishment. They didn’t have the touch that was so important to them.

There are those that would say they are very touchy feely. And there are those that would say - no way - not me - I just don’t feel comfortable when people touch me. I’m kinda in between. Joe is much more touchy feely than I am. It’s always interesting to watch Joe move through a room because he just cracks me up. He doesn’t just hug you - he envelopes you. As he walks through a room you can see if other people are big touchers by how they respond to him. Some will do the obligatory hug - pat - pat - release and some will do the full hug - hold on - ask a question - listen intently for the answer - order a pizza - hang out a bit hug. I know alot of Pastors who would define themselves as not real touchy. But many of them will tell you they’ve prayed for the Spirit of God to do a divine work in their lives so that they can express themselves comfortably in the area of touch. Many will tell you that it’s when they started to have kids that they began to see/experience touch very differently. All of a sudden these individuals who didn’t want to hug unless it was absolutely necessary, now find themselves enjoying a nice cuddle on the couch with their son/daughter, or wanting to hold on just a little longer before bedtime, or feel the need to plop that cutie in their lap and never let go the first time someone hurts their feelings. My girls used to tell me, “Mommy, it didn’t hurt my body, it hurt my heart.” Now tell me that doesn’t just pull at your heart strings? So what made the difference for these people who were not the touchy feely type but now find that they are? Often times it was the difference in the ‘touch’ experience - touch, by the work of God changing a heart, shifting emotions, or maybe even healing past hurts has become instead of an uncomfortable experience, can become a loving, expressive part of a relationship. God really desires to work in peoples hearts. Especially when it comes to our children. So all that said, you really can’t use the ‘I’m just not a touchy feely person’ excuse when it comes to your kids. They need your loving touch. So if this is an area you struggle in pray about it, learn it how to be more physically loving with your kids. What do they say? Practice makes perfect. Just do it because it is so important in their lives.

Let me look at scripture, we’ll look together at a verse talking about Jesus in touch. Matthew 6:56, check this out, speaking of Jesus, “And whenever he went into villages, towns, or countryside, they placed the sick in the marketplaces, they begged him to let them touch him, even the edge of his clothes and all who,” say it out loud, “And all who,” what? “Touched him were,” what? “They were healed.” Now check this out. I did a word study on the word touched in the New International Version, and the word touched appears in the Gospels twenty times in regard to Jesus. And every single time the word touched appears in reference to Jesus, it always is in regards to healing. There’s power in loving and appropriate touch. Check this out, did you know that during their pre-teen years, a girls need for loving and appropriate touch increases. But dads, often get a little freaked out because their little girls bodies are becoming woman-like and they do this funky stuff like get their first bra and start experiencing different emotions and behaving in ways that they might not even understand, stuff like that. During all of this, a daughters needs continue to increase, but unfortunately at the same time dads level of comfort often decreases. Dads, let me say this to you.....it’s during this time that is probably most strange for you that your daughters need for loving, appropriate touch most increases and you must be fully engaged in loving touch. If just hearing this information isn’t enough to convince you then maybe this little fact will.... loving touch is the most important thing you can do for your daughter to deter sexual sin, because if she does not feel the love of an appropriate physical relationship with you, statistics tell us she is much more likely to seek out loving touch from others and you and I both know that touch is not necessarily going to be appropriate touch. When they learn to be touched appropriately by a loving and Godly person, they’ll learn to say no to inappropriate touch from an ungodly person. Another little piece of information that we need to discover is that little girls are often touched in a loving way five times as often as boys, and yet the boys’ needs are equal to girls. So a lot of times, you know, when a boy is two, whatever, they’ll be all huggy, lovey with their parents. When the boy turns seven or eight, their needs don’t change, but oftentimes they’ll start to get that, “Urhgh, that’s not cool.” kinda attitude and what we have to do as parents is, we have to be creative and make sure we are still engaged. For instance, eight- to ten-year-old boys, rather than a lot of hugs and kisses and things like that that’s not cool to a ten-year-old boy, what is cool? Secret handshakes, pats on the back, pats on the bottom - it’s a boy thing. Wrestling with them, being engaged in that kind of touch. You can do it. Okay? Loving touch - point one… let’s move on to point number two.

The second unchanging principle of parenting is abundant time,

lots and lots and lots of time and then more time. You know you’ve heard the saying “How do kids spell love?” and they said, “Kids spell love t-i-m-e.” Abundant time. Look at what Jesus does, verse 13. People are bringing little children to Jesus to have Him touch them, but the disciples rebuke them. In other words they were communicating that Jesus is just too busy. He is too important. He’s got dead people to cause to live again. He’s got blind eyes to open up, don’t bother Him with children.” But Jesus was not happy about that. Verse 14, “When Jesus saw this, he was indignant.” Now, the Greek word that is translated indignant, it could be translated as PO'd! Indignant is a soft translation. He was not happy. He said to them, “No, no, no. Let them come on. Bring them on. Let the little children come to Me. Forbid them not.”
I have a question for you, how many of you are Nascar racing fans? I gotta tell you the truth...a Nascar fan I am not. I know there’s a lot to it, but it’s just, you don’t see it at first. I’ll tell you, though, what is fascinating to me is the pit stop crew. I mean, you’ve go to admit that. Seven people in this little place and a car comes zoom, zoom, zoom. And a good pit stop will last twelve to fifteen seconds. They like, change the tires, put gas in, do an oil change, check the car, clean off the windshields, eat a Happy Meal, all this stuff in like fifteen seconds. Zoop, zoom, they’re out again, fascinating. I would argue today that many parents are doing what I would call pit stop parenting. It’s parenting in twelve to fifteen second spurts. Kid comes in. “How was your day?” “Great.” “Did you do your homework?” “Great.” “Did you wear clean underwear?” “Great.” “Don’t eat yellow snow and don’t have sex until you are married. Good night. I love you.” Zoomp. I mean, right? It’s pit stop parenting. “ Okay, get in the back of the minivan. We gotta go.” “What are we having for dinner, mom?” “I don’t know. Find a French Fry under the seat. We gotta go.” Driving by, “There’s dad. Wave at him.” “Da-a-d!” Who-o-m and you’re gone.
Now, obviously, I am exaggerating for a point because the truth is, we as parents spend much more than twelve to fifteen seconds engaged with our children. According to one article parents are much more generous than 10-15 seconds. This article states that the average parent spends thirty-seven seconds a day engaged in meaningful conversation with their children. I’m not talking about the the required conversation of homework, dinner, have you brushed your teeth yet - I’m talking about meaningful conversation. Thirty-seven seconds a day. ‘How?’ you say. Because the regular needs and requirements of the day just absorb us, don’t they? We’ve all had those days where we getto the end, we lay our heads on our pillow and we think...I was running all day but I feel like I didn’t get thing done. Life just happens. So reality says that if you are not careful, you can easily find the opportunity to us the excuse , “I just didn’t have time today to read that book, play that game, or play tickle monster with my kids.” But if were not careful - today becomes this week and this week become a lifetime and all of a sudden these precious gifts that God in his greatness has blessed us with are off to college or unpacking their first apartment. Let me just tell you right now, we can all come up with an excuse but there is no valid excuse for not spending time with our kids. You say, “I don’t have time.” No, you have time for what you choose to have time for. Period. Period. But you are a good person and you really care, and so in your heart you say, “Well, I’m going to, but just in a little while.” Okay? First, I have to get some things done. You say, “First, I have to .......an the possible ways to end this sentence are endless. It could be as long term as get a better job so I have to pay my dues..or as short term as get the laundry done so right now I’m just too busy. Let me tell you right now, if you don’t decide to do it now, you are not likely to do it. You have time to choose what you have time for. Thought number one is that we will express love with loving touch. Number two with abundant time, and number three, we want to be characterized by encouraging talk. By encouraging talk. Look at what Jesus said to these kiddo’s, verse 16, “And he took the children in his arms, he put his hands on them,” and he did what? Say it out loud, “And he blessed them.” I love that. I wonder what He said. Whatever He said, it was a blessing. He encouraged them. He lifted them up with His words. He didn’t say, “Hey, stop that! Hey, cut that out! Hey, stop touching your brother. Hey, stop hitting back there. Hey, I wish you’d be more like your sister.” He didn’t say, “Get over.” He didn’t say, “One, two, two and-a-half.” He blessed them, encouraged them. One of the most important things that we can do for our children is to speak words of life, rather than the words of death. Watch the words that you speak. Ask yourself if you are characterized more by catching them doing something wrong, always telling them what they weren’t or what they could be doing better rather than catching them doing something right. “Well done. Man, I’m so proud of you. Oh, you knocked them out of the park today! You’re the most awesome of all time.” When you call your child’s name what do they expect to follow? If your child automatically prepares for what you are about to say when you call their name - you have a problem. You have established a pattern of verbal interaction that in negative. If that’s the case - don’t beat yourself up - but get to work! You have a job to do. You must decided in your heart to be characterized by encouraging words. Practice saying them. Prepare for them - think of which words of encouragement would must influence each of your children and be genuine when you speak them. Look for opportunities and then pay attention to yourself - if you hear yourself speak a negative, purpose to speak 3 positives to counter-balance the negative. One of the most revealing movie quotes I ever heard was in Pretty Woman. (tell about scene)

Parents, we’ve got one chance. Time, talk, and touch … Take advantage of each moment you can because life goes by so fast. James 4:14 says What is your life? You are a mist that appears for a little while and then vanishes. The last 12 years have experienced that mist. I held a baby in my arms and I took a mental picture of that moment and then I blinked and she was a little toddler walking across my living room floor, and I took a mental picture and I blinked again, and when I opened my eyes, I was releasing her to ride a bicycle without training wheels off down the driveway for the very first time. And I took a mental picture of that, and then blinked, and soon enough I’ll open my eyes, that child will no longer be riding off in a bike but driving off in an automobile and I’m sure I will learn to pray like you I’ve never prayed in my whole life. And then I’ll blink, and when I open up my eyes, that child will be driving off to college, or to get married, or to start a life on her own. And don’t allow yourself for a minute to think I am being over dramatic - let me read that scripture on more time....What is your life? You are a mist that appears for a little while and then vanishes. Touch, time, talk - let’s take every opportunity to invest in them while we can.