If you are a parent, know someone who is a parent, had a parent, and you would agree that parenting can be very difficult, would you raise your hands. Very challenging. I like what Mark Twain said. He said about parenting teenagers, he said, “When they are thirteen, put them in a barrel and nail the lid shut, then feed them through the knothole.” That was his advice. He said, “When they are sixteen, plug the knothole.”
I have had more joy from parenting, and there is also a lot of pain when we don’t get things right or our kids go off and do things on their own. One of the joys I have is just the library of awesome stories of the goofy stuff that our kids do. One of my favorites is when my youngest, Allison was 2 and half (vid)
Let’s set the foundational principle for our series. “The Parents’ Priority.” If you are not yet a parent and one day will be, or if you are a parent, what is our primary priority? If you are taking notes, this comes from Deuteronomy 6, and it is this.
“A parent’s priority is to gradually transfer a child’s dependence away from the parents until their dependence rests solely on God.” Let’s say that again. Let’s make sure that we understand that. Our priority as a mom and/or a dad is to gradually transfer dependence. Our children, when they are little, they depend on us for everything. Don’t they? And over time, we will help transfer their dependence to where they will no longer depend on us, but instead, they depend on the only One who will ever be completely faithful and true to them in every single way. We teach them to depend on God.
Now, where does this come from? Deuteronomy 6, (by the way,Cathleen and I don’t claim to be experts in parenting, we are just doing our best w/ God’s help - the answers are found in scripture) let me just set the context. It’s following Deuteronomy 5. In Deuteronomy 5, Moses had just revealed the Ten Commandments, the big ten that God would challenge His people to live by. Speaking of these commandments, Moses gives, really, one of the greatest teaching on parenthood in all of scripture. He says this, “These are the commands, decrees and laws the Lord your God directed me to teach you. To observe in the land that you are crossing Jordan to possess so that,” who? Would you say this, say it out loud, so that who? “So that you …” so that who else? “So that also your children,” who else? “And their children after them may fear the Lord your God as long as you live.”
As you teach your children to fear the Lord, as you teach them to live according to His commands, not only will you be changed, but the next generation and the generation after that will be different if we, as parents, train our children not to depend on us or themselves or what they see, but instead, on the One who created everything. Do you realize that as a parent, God has put within you the power to change generations and generations to come. How do we do that?
Deuteronomy 6 gives us the two most important principles that we would ever live out as a parent. If you don’t get anything else, this is what we want to embrace and eternalize. How do we transfer dependence from us on to God? Two things that we will do in our own lives, the first one,
if you are taking notes, scripture teaches us to love our God.
We are taught to love our God. Where does this come from? Well, verse 4, “Hear Oh Israel the Lord our God the Lord is one.” Very important, then in verse five, the Bible says this. “Love the Lord your God with,” what? How much? “Love the Lord your God with all your,” what? “Your heart and with,” what? Say it out loud, “And with all of your soul and with all of your strength.” Love your God.
With how much of your heart should you love God? with all. Notice, the scripture does not say with some, or with a little bit, or with a percentage, but we are told to love God with all of our heart. But wouldn’t you agree that many, if not most of us, we love God with a little bit of our hearts, and one of the most dangerous things that we can do as parents is expose our children to just a little bit of God.
Scripture teaches us we should love God with all of our heart. Now, the problem is, let’s just be honest. In the world that we live in, there are a lot of things that can distract us from loving God with all of our own heart. You know, as parents, as a dad, you know, I want to provide for my kids, and so many of us, we think to ourselves with good intentions, “If I can just give my kids more than I had growing up, then that will be very valuable for them.” So, we work so hard pouring ourselves into our careers trying to get more things when yet, we are not giving our children what they really need, which is us and a deeper relationship with the only One they need to really know ultimately is God, and God alone. We want to provide them the best opportunity, so we get them in soccer, and ballet, and in gymnastics, and all of a sudden, we organize their schedule so they are so busy. And we work hard so we can have a nice car to transport them in, so they will be safe, and their little booties will sit in leather seats. And then, when they are sixteen, we want to make sure that they can get a car because in most of our parts of town, not having a car at sixteen would be like borderline child abuse for our children. Right? Yeah. And then we want to save up so they can get the greatest education, and before long, if we are not careful, we become child-centered parents rather than God-centered parents. Our lives revolve around our children rather than revolving around God.
Love the Lord your God with all of your heart, and if you are so busy w/ your schedules you don’t have time to worship with God’s people and honor His name? Now, parents, don’t kid yourself. That will send a significant message to your children. How important is our involvement in church? And let me just say, by involvement in church what I don’t mean is that you come in late, sit there for an hour, and try to get off to lunch. That is not involvement in church. That is a spectator sport, and that is not real involvement. Involvement is saying, “I am a participator, a participant in the body of Christ and there is a Biblical function for me to do in my church, and I am immersed in deep growing relationships with others in Biblical community. I am a contributing part to the family of God. I am plugged in. I am contributing.” How important is your role like that with your children? Well, I came across a study that I thought was interesting about kids who grow up and become active Christ Followers as adults. If you are taking notes,
If mom and dad went to church: 72% of kids will as adults.
If mom only went to church: 15% of kids will as adults.
Now, dads, how important is your role?
If dad only went to church: 55% of kids will as adults.
Daddies, do not ever underestimate the value of your role in disciplining and leading your children to know Christ.
If neither mom nor dad: 06% of kids will as adults.
Love the Lord your God with all of your heart. That means not only in our words, but in our actions.
Parents, do you love God with all of your heart, or with some of your heart? Because some, just a little bit, may not be what our kids need. They need all of it!
What would happen if, let’s say, if the walls could talk?
What would they say about your commitment to God if they looked at the magazines that you read, sitting out on the coffee table, or if you are a bathroom reader, you know...
What would they say about your heart? What about if they would the TV shows that you watch with you. What would they say about your heart? What about your computer? They got into your computer and looked at the history log and saw what you read over the last month? What do you think that would say about your heart? What if they just listened to the language that you said at your house? what do you think they would say about your heart for God? What about your checkbook. If they looked at your priorities in spending, where does God rank, really? Really? Not just what you say or hope or pretend, but who you are really.
You see, as parents, the best thing that we can do for our children is love God with all of our hearts. Love our God, love our God. And the second thing Deuteronomy 6 teaches us … It appears small at first, but it is incredibly important and profound. Number one, we will love our God, and number two,
we will lead our families. We must lead our families.
Where does this principle come from? Deuteronomy 6:6-9, I want you to see the spiritual leadership represented in these verses. “These commands that I give to you today are to be upon your hearts.” Verse 7, what do we do with them?
We impress them on our children. We talk about them when we sit at home, and when we walk along the road, and when we are driving to school or to T-ball practice. When you lie down and when you get up, tie them as symbols on your hands and bind them on your foreheads. Write them on the door frames of your houses and on your gates. We lead our families spiritually. Spiritual talk becomes, not just something we do on the weekends on the way to church, it becomes a part of seven days a week, of everything that is going on. We lead our children spiritually.
I like the quote that Edward, Duke of Windsor, said this about America. He said, “The thing that impresses me most about America is the way the parents obey their children.” I want you to think about that for a minute. The thing that impresses me most is the way that parents obey the children.
Parents, question: Are you leading your children, or are your children leading you? Think about that. You lead them spiritually, you set the tone. You are the divine authority in the household. You set the tone. Now, you may say, “How do you lead?” Well, what I am not going to tell you is, “Here’s exactly what you have to do.” What I am going to do is tell you, if you are going to be an effective leader, here write this down, you. Whatever that means for you, you seek the heart of God and you do it. And what I will do is, I will tell you just briefly how Cathleen and I lead intentionally, not to tell you that you need to do this, because our philosophy would not be right for your family.
First of all, we govern their intake
TV, radio, movies, friends, where they go, what they’re involved in - Just because everyone else does something, doesn’t mean that you are going to let your kids do that. Just because every other kid can stay out, teenager, until one o’clock in the morning, you may say, “No, at our household I am coming home, or whatever.” You set the standards.
I like the single mom who was struggling with knowing what to do with her teenager, who always wanted to see rated-R movies with his friends, and he says, “But, there’s just a little bit of bad stuff, just a little bit. It’s not that bad.” And the mom was praying, “God, what do I do?” And God gave her an idea, something that I thought was awesome. She said, “I’ll tell you what. You can go see this rated-R movie, but first, you have to help me make some brownies.” And the teenager’s like, “Oh, I love brownies, as long as I can lick the bowl.” And she said, “Sure you can. What I need you to do to contribute is, would you go out and find some of our dog’s dog poop, and give me one spoon full of dog poop.” The son was like, “That’s nasty, mom.” “No, no, no. Just one small scoop. That’s all you need. Just bring that in, help me make the brownies, and you can go to the show tonight.” And the son was like, “Well, whatever,” and he came in with a spoon full of dog poop that he was holding out like this, and he gave it to his mom, and his mom said, “Oh, that’s too much,” and she took a little knife and cut it in half and dropped just a little bit of dog poop down into the brownie mix and stirred it up. And he said, “Mom, we can’t eat that.” She said, “Oh, sure.” She poured it into the bigger bowl and said, “Would you like to lick this bowl?” He’s like, “No, that’s disgusting.” And she said, “But what you don’t understand, son, is it is just a little bit of poop.” And all of a sudden, he realized that just a little bit of ungodliness is too much.
We encourage reading
Cathleen and I value reading and we instill that into our daughters - so they read on a regular basis (Jessica has already read more books than I did all the way thru H.S.)
We value family - Saturday is always family day, it’s been that way since Jess was just a tiny little thing. We honor that day. We cherish it. C & I do all that we can to protect it. We have what we call Family Nights (explain)
We lead relationally.
My kids see me take Cathleen out on dates. Now, why do I want them to see that? Because I want them to know that they are not in charge, that we guard the integrity of our marriage. We are not child-centered parents. We are God-centered marriage, and God says for us to pour our lives into one another, plus I want my daughters to see how a man should treat a woman so when some hairy-legged guy comes along with big bouffant hair, they will look for character and heart and see, “Is this a guy that fears God?” If not, they’ll easily walk away.
We live relationally.
I take my daughters out for dates, and I date them and I teach them what it is like for someone to treat them like a lady.
If your heart is wholly surrendered to Him, parents, you are in charge, and just because everyone else is doing something does not mean that it is the right standard for your family.
You are not so concerned about your children’s immediate happiness as you are their holiness and full pursuit of God in every single way. So how do we lead them? Well, the Bible calls it training. There is a very well-known scripture in Proverbs. It says this about training. The Bible says that we are to train up our children in the way that they should go and when they are old they will not depart from that.
So, parents, We train, if you are taking notes, we initiate, or we dedicate, or we train our children in the way that they should go. We initiate a craving for that which is true and right and pure and holy, and when they see the fruit of that, they say Godly living works. Our role is to transfer dependence. They no longer depend on us, now they depend on God. How do we do that? We love God. First, it starts with us, and then we intentionally lead our families. If you want to half-heartedly let life happen, let me promise you, life will happen, and you will kiss your kids goodbye, send them off to college, walk them down the isle, and you are going to wonder, “Where did it all go?”
Lead them. Lead them. You lead. God placed you in that role. Love God with all of your heart, and lead as He calls you to lead. How do you do it? We train. I have given you a list from Proverbs of some of the most important things that we, as parents, will train into our children, watch this (vid)
TRAINING FROM PROVERBS
1) Train them to manage God’s money. (Prov. 3:9-10)
2) Train them to carefully select friends. (Prov. 13:20)
3) Train them to watch their words. (Prov. 4:24)
4) Train them to be responsible. (Prov. 6:6-8)
5) Train them to guard their minds. (Prov. 23:7)
6) Train them to be generous. (Prov. 11: 25)
7) Train them to fear God. (Prov. 1:7)
We want you to know that we are very, very serious about partnering with you to lead your children to become fully devoted followers of Christ, but it is honestly not our job. It is your job. And you will be successful, not if you expose your kids to all these great activities which honestly pass away, but if you expose your children to the great truths of God, teach them about His power, His goodness, the power of prayer, the truth of His Word, the in-filling of His Spirit that will empower and lead us, and counsel us and guide us and correct us and be our teacher. So what do we want to do? We want to transfer their dependence on us, because when they are young, they depend on us completely. When they get older, they will depend on their friends or on themselves, but we want to teach them to depend on God. How do we do that? We love God first, with all of our heart. Not some, but all. And then, we intentionally lead our families. It will not happen on accident.
Allison, my youngest, will say to me, “You’re my best Daddy” then she corrects yourself and says, “Well actually, you’re the 2nd best, Jesus is the best Daddy” and I tell her, “I’ll take it! I’ll take 2nd place to Jesus Christ any and everyday. and I think to myself, “She’s on the right track.” The transfer is already taking place. It’s happening. The most important thing that I will ever do is to lead my girls to the One who gave His life for them, and when they know who they are in Christ, then they are ready to be shot out into this world to make a difference. Parents, your role is absolutely so important. You can train and change generations and generations and generations to come.
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