‘Can We Talk?’
Jesus was very clear, that Father God sent Him His only Son to the world so that anyone anywhere anytime who believed in Him would not perish but they would have eternal life.
Jesus said in John 3:17 - God didn’t send His Son into the world to condemn the world but to save the world through Him. You know what this means?
"For God so loved the world that he gave his one and only Son, that whoever believes in him shall not perish but have eternal life. For God did not send his Son into the world to condemn the world, but to save the world through him.”
It means you’ll never look into the eyes of any man or woman who doesn’t matter to GOD. Which means we can never look into the eyes of a friend, family member or spouse thinking they don’t matter to God. They do.
They’re loved by God, they’re precious, valued, treasured, they are so important that God sent His Son to pay for their sin, to redeem them, to rescue them - they matter to God.
We should do the same
1. People matter to God so they should matter to us.
We too should value everyone, treasure all, we should treat everyone like they’re precious, b/c they are precious.
And you know what, shame on us - we treat strangers better than we treat our spouse. We’re more polite w/ people we’ve never met, than we are to the one whom we pledged our lives.
We communicate to total strangers they are worth dressing up for, speaking correctly for, cleaning up for, preparing for.
Do you treat your spouse that way? What are you
communicating to the ones that matter most?
Everyone matters to God, they do, so that’s what we’ve been trying to communicate here at FOCUS from the beginning - People matter to God - you have extremely high value.
In all that you and I communicate, wouldn't it be great if we could all get that, understand that, communicate that.
But sometimes in a pace of life, in a desperate world, where desperate people do desperate things sometimes we get a bit off-track in our communication. We begin to communicate in what we say, how we act, what we do, we begin to
communicate that our spouse doesn’t matter, kids don’t
matter, friends don’t matter, we begin to communicate things that aren’t even true. Often we don’t even realize it while it’s
happening - we do later though, in others reactions towards us.
Patrick M. Lencioni a business guru says, there are 3 steps to practical, effective communication - which works in the home by the way are:
repetition
simple messages
multiple mediums
3 things, they have nothing to do w/ presentation style, speaking ability, none of that - they are just critical practices to communicate well.
Say what we mean often -
2. say it often
it’s all about repetition.
3. say it clearly - it’s just simple messages
are you saying it clearly that you love your spouse/ are you saying clearly that they matter? are you saying clearly to your friends that they are important? that they’re valued?
cherished?
You see the way you get to this point is step by step, really the way you get anywhere in life is step by step - how do you get to this place? step by step
How do I do that? 5 love lang.
Lencioni says you wanna communicate well you have to say it alot! and you better be clear!
Often times we’re not clear - I know I mess up in this area at home - (Joe Jibberish) we don’t listen carefully and we don’t say it clearly
Say it often, say it clearly - we all know what it’s like to be misunderstood - we all know this happens, this happens, and we argue, but it doesn’t get fixed by going up the stairs or out to the garage or to the computer
We must take time for each other - whether it’s a friend, or a child, or it’s your spouse - we must take time for each other.
If you want to be understood, you’ll have to communicate over and over again and make sure it’s clear.
(drive - thru confirmation)
We need clarity - too many of us in our relationships think we can move on w/out getting clarity and more often than not it bites us in the butt. We need to say it alot as a simple clear message.
4. Say it every way you can
Around here we’ve got only one message -you matter to God, Jesus died on a cross for you, if you come to Jesus it will change your life here and for eternity.
That’s pretty much the message we communicate every week. Many of you are thinking, “why can’t we have shorter sermons then?”
It’s b/c we’re trying to say it every way we can - so we say it w/ music, we say it w/ media, in teaching, in small group
discussion, we say it by the way we treat every person that walks in here, ‘you matter to God’
Many ways, every way we can, over and over, simple and clear message, and it drives me crazy that we can’t do it even better. This is how bizarre I am.
B/c it’s a message that matters so much! What better news is there? You can be forgiven your sin, you don’t have to live in shame and or guilt any longer, you can come clean
before God and live a new life now and forever!
So I go home and think about how can I say it even better - maybe I could stand on the other side of the TV
Don’t you think about this stuff, about the people that matter most in your life and how do I share and let them know how much I love and care for them?
How can I get this through? How can I communicate this?
This is important message to important people, like your kids, you say how can I tell them, so you grab their cute little cheeks and make them look at you - you think maybe if you look at me it will help, then you try something else, and you just keep trying all kinds of things.
So all of us need to keep repeating the message, making it simple and clear in every way we can.
Are you doing that in your marriage? How about the kids? Other family members, friends?
You matter, you’re important
Often problems in our communication are due to a lack
of thought given. We just don’t think about it - when we do we really are not putting a lot of thought into it - we rush off, we don’t communicate like we should - soooo...
let’s Stop and THINK
T ruth - Is what I am about to say true? Zech 8:16 “These are the things you are to do: Speak the truth to each other”
before you speak, or erupt, or defend, or correct, or redirect, or discipline ask is it true? don’t say, “well I think so” what do you mean you think so... “well my mother’s brother’s
plumbers neighbors wife, she said...” What! that’s heresay
I don’t know if that’s true or not - you gotta know it’s true.
If it’s not true, you don’t want anyone to shape their life around it. “speak the truth to each other”
If we lie, not only does it do no good in the moment, but we lose our influence, as soon as we become liars in a relationship, our influence diminishes greatly, b/c trust is eroded.
(clip - lie son and mom)
door off hinges
you see trust is eroded - you lose influence
H elpful - Is it helpful?
will it make a difference, will it add value eph. 4:29
“Do not let any unwholesome talk come out of your mouths, but only what is helpful for building others up according to their needs, that it may benefit those who listen.”
even if it’s true, if it’s not helpful, then what’s your motive?
I mportant - Is it Important?
“But what does it matter? The important thing is that in every way, whether from false motives or true, Christ is preached. And because of this I rejoice.” Philippians 1:8
So the ? is in your marriage, your family, your friends stop and think is this making a contribution to them - if it is, they see how much you value them - were commun. love, that they matter - is it important?
N ecessary - Is it necessary? Do you need to say this? at this time? Is this critical to the cause? Your timing is critical to your communication. How many times have you been in an argument w/ spouse, child, parent, or friend and you said something - it just popped in your mind and shot out of your mouth! And by the look of the other persons face you know,
“Oh man - I shouldn’t of said that” do you know what I mean? Hey, it may be true, but not necessary, not now.
Is it necessary?
K ind - Is it kind?
“Be kind and compassionate to one another” Ephesians 4:32
“Kind words heal and help” Proverbs 15:4
That’s a good thing - especially after those stupid words that just shot out of your mouth.
Is it true, is it helpful, is it important, is it necessary, and if it’s all those things - can you say it in a kind way?can you be kind?
Be kind to your spouse - we have to teach our children to be kind and compassionate, so they need to see it in you - so stop and think - before you say something, before you blow up - teach our kids to be kind
(clip - table)
The very fact that the boy survived that dinner seems to be a miracle to me - now men, some of us spoke to our mothers like that - this is not about the boy, this is about us and we spoke that way and if we teach our boys, our children to
disrespect their mother -
then we’ve done a great disservice to them and our spouse. You say, ahh he’s just a boy, boys will be boys - no no boys will be men - that’s your job dad, that’s your job mom - and the same goes for our daughters will be ladies. Here’s the thing, that’s not a message you start when your son, your daughter is 17, that’s a message you start when your son/daughter is 2. We are kind to each other in our family, we love each other, we display it, we follow Christ’s example to love one another.
Before you speak, stop and think (review)
It’s not enough in a relationship to know how to
communicate - we must also know how to listen
(communicate vid)
What Did You Say? How to be a Good Listener?
1. Look at the Speaker
The whole listening process begins w/ giving the other
person your undivided attention.
Don’t try to catch up on unfinished work, do the dishes, stare off/ zone out in front of the TV (Cathleen; Commercial)
2. Don’t Interrupt
Most people react badly to being interrupted - how about you? You feel disrespected. Why do we do it?
- don’t place enough value on what other person has to say
- want to impress by showing how smart & intuitive they are
- too excited by convo to let them finish
Periods of silence gives a chance to reflect on what’s been said so we can respond appropriately.
3. Check Your Emotions
Don’t let your feelings overcome you - anger, excitement, needing to vent - It will cause you to not pay attention b/c you want to speak.
4. Suspend Your Judgement
Have you ever begun listening to another person tell a story and you started to respond before he or she was finished?
I think we all have. We cannot jump to conclusions and be a good listener at the same time. As we talk w/ others we have to wait and hear the whole story before we respond. If you don’t you may miss the most important thing they intended to say. (guy/girl do that in love story movie) (we say, S.Y.J)
5. Sum up
Listening is most effective when it active. So comment at a appropriate break in the convo. It lets the other know your actually paying attention, it reassures them that your not asleep. This avoids the ?, “What did I just say? Were you
listening to Me?
6. Ask Questions to Clarify
Ever notice that top news reporters are excellent listeners?
They ask follow-up ?’s to dig deeper. We need to do that in all of our communication.
You want to be a good listener, become a good reporter - gently ask follow-up ?’s and seek clarification.
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