Storms of Life - Rebuilding after Loss

Rebuilding is hard work. In fact it’s much harder than building. Building from scratch is not nearly as difficult as rebuilding
because in rebuilding you have to clear away the debris. You’ve got to deal with the damage. You’ve got to pick up all the rubble. It takes a whole lot more time because you just can’t start with a clean slate. Rebuilding always takes longer than building.

That’s not only true of a city. It’s true of a life. It harder and takes more work to rebuild your life after a major loss than it does to build your life in the first place.

The fact is, as a human being, you cannot live without loss.
Everything in this world is temporary. You’re not made to live here forever. You’re made to live forever in eternity. You’re only going to get 60, 80, 100 years on this planet. That means everything is temporary – everything. So you’re going to have major losses in your life. Financial loses, health losses, losses of loved ones. Some of you have lost a marriage. And many, many other kinds of losses in life. How do you recover and how do you rebuild after a major loss? Because you’re going to go through the seasons of loss. It’s inevitable. You’re going to have storms of stress. You’re going to have torrents of tragedy. Gales and gusts of grief. You’re going to have floods of failure in your life.

When those kinds of things come into your life, the typical question we always ask is why. Why is this happening to me? Why is this going on? And folks, that is the unanswerable question. We’re not going to know on this side of eternity.
Looking back later from heaven you’ll be able to see why things happen they way they did. What we need in that time after loss is encouragement. Not an explanation. Explanations don’t encourage us. What we need is encouragement.
That’s what we’re going to look at today.

It’s actually far more helpful instead of asking why to ask the What? question. What do I do now?
What’s next? What are my first steps?

We haven’t been through these major Hurr. like a million people or more have. But we have been through other things and were going to go through things so today we’re going to look at this issue of what do I do after a major loss? What to do. You may not need this message now but this is a very, very important message for you. If you haven’t had a major loss in your life you will. I don’t want to be morbid but you will. Your time is coming.
Because nothing lasts on this planet. It’s just a matter of time.

So today we’re going to talk specifically about seven steps from God’s word on how to rebuild your life.

The story of Job. Job was the wealthiest man in the entire world. There’s a book about him in the Bible. On a single day he lost everything. He lost all of his wealth, all of his farm, all of his crops, all of his flocks and herds, all of his children, and he got an incurable, terminal disease – all on a single day. In that moment Job said, I’m going to bless the name of the Lord, no matter what happens. When good things come or when good things are taken away, it doesn’t matter. I’m going to bless God’s name. That is the mark of maturity.

What do you do when you’ve lost it all? Some of you have lost a loved one. Or you’ve lost your job. Or you’ve lost your financial security. Or you’ve lost a dream – you’ve had a heartbreak. What do you do? How do you rebuild your life? The Bible tells us to do seven things.

1. Release your grief

Loss always creates very strong emotions in us. We grieve. We have worry. We have fear. We may have depression. We may have anger. All kinds of emotions welled up in me as I watched these homes being destroyed and people dying from Hurr. We don’t know what to do with all of these emotions when we’ve gone through a major loss, particularly men. What does God want us to do with those emotions?

You don’t resist them. And you don’t rehearse them. And you don’t reduce them. And you don’t repress them. You release them. What do I mean by that?

You don’t resist them, first of all. Resisting means I’m not going to let myself feel this. A lot of people do that when they go through a major loss. “I’m just not going to let myself feel anything. I don’t want to let it get too close to me.” That is a major mistake, friends. To not feel your feelings. Feelings are meant to be felt. So you don’t resist your feelings.

On the other hand you don’t do the opposite and you don’t rehearse your feelings. Where you go over and over and over in misery and moan and you start to second guess yourself – if I’d have done this differently maybe I’d still have my job. If I’d done this differently maybe I’d still have my marriage.
Or if I’d done this differently maybe the person would still be alive. And rehearsing over and over and over is just as ineffective as resisting it.
You don’t reduce your feelings. “It’s no big deal.” It was a big deal. It hurt and it still does. And you don’t minimize your feelings and say, “It doesn’t matter.” It did matter. It was a big deal. You don’t reduce your feelings. You don’t minimize them.
And certainly you don’t repress them. A lot of people are stuffers. They push their feelings down. That’s like taking a pepsi bottle and shaking it up. One day it’s going to explode. (grabbag - Oprah)
We need to understand, you will deal with your feelings. Either now or later. You will deal with them eventually. If you don’t deal with them now, you’re just putting off the inevitable. God says, “No, I want you to release them.” Release them to God in prayer. The Bible calls it crying out to God.

Psalm 18 David says “The floods of destruction swept over me. The grave wrapped its ropes around me. Death itself stared me in the face. [Have you ever felt that way?] But in my distress I cried out to the Lord and I prayed to my God for help.” This isn’t some little pitty-patty prayer where we go, Dear God I’m not feeling too good. They go, “God! Life stinks! I’m angry. I’m hurt. I’m lonely. I’m grieving. My heart is broken.” That’s what it means to cry out to God. You tell Him passionately exactly how you feel. You can handle it and He can too.

Where do you think your emotions came from? God gave them to you. Why? Because you are created in the image of God. That’s what makes you different from animals. Animals don’t have all those emotions. But humans do. Why? Because you were made in God’s image. You can tell Him anything. You don’t have to say here’s what I think I ought to say. You just say, “God, I don’t like this! I’m depressed. I’m mad.” You cry out to God. God would rather have you be honest and release your feelings to Him than for you to fake it and pretend like everything’s all right because it’s not. You don’t resist it or rehearse it or reduce it or repress it. You release it to God.

Life isn’t always happy. And God doesn’t expect you to always be happy. In fact, Jesus said it’s ok to mourn. He said, “Blessed are those who mourn for they shall be comforted.”That’s a good thing
It’s a part of life. And you tell God exactly how you feel. He can handle it.

“Pour out your heart to Him. For God is our refuge.” In a storm you need a refuge. (last week) You need some covering. And God says I want to cover you. I want to comfort you. So when you go through any kind of loss in life you don’t turn from God, you turn to Him. That’s the first step. Release your grief.

2. Resist bitterness

Bitterness will do you more harm than the circumstance you went through. Bitterness is far worse than any problem you’ll ever experience. “You don’t know what I’ve gone through!” You may have been raped. But bitterness is worse. Why? Because it’s holding on to the hurt. That’s what resentment does. Your past is past. It can’t hurt you any more. The only way it can hurt you is if you choose to hold on to it through bitterness. That’s dumb. You need to let it go. You need to let go of your grudges just as you let go of your grief. And you say, “I’m going to let it go!” Because bitterness only hurts you. It never solves the problem. It doesn’t change the past. It can’t control the future. All it does is mess up your life right now.

You need to make the decision do I want to be bitter or do I want to get better? That’s the options. Do I want to be bitter or get better? Or do I want to be bitter or do I want to be happy? It’s your choice. You can choose. But you can’t have both.

Happiness is a choice. It’s a choice! It’s not based on circumstances as much as you think it is. There is no correlation between happiness and circumstances. You chose! just remember the eleventh commandment: thou shalt not belly ache!”

If you’re going to recover your life, if you’re going to rebuild your life after a major loss, a breakup or anything else, you’ve got to release your grief to God and you’ve got to resist bitterness
because bitterness will poison your life.

The Bible says this in Hebrews 12 “Watch out that no bitterness takes root among you. It causes deep trouble hurting many in their spiritual lives.” It just prolongs the hurt. So how do you do that? How do you resist bitterness? Three ways.

1. Accept what cannot be changed.

That’s the starting point. You accept what cannot be changed. And the truth is, friends, much of life is totally beyond your control. Sometimes the only way to overcome some problems is to accept them. They’re just going to be there in your life. They’re going to be there. They’re not going to change and you just accept them. Acceptance is the way to peace on some issues. It’s just like your past. Your past is past. No matter how much you resent it you can’t change it. You’re just going to have to accept it.

Faith is facing reality and not being discouraged. Faith is looking at your past and looking at your present problems and looking at your future. You’re facing reality but you’re just not discouraged by it. It’s not Pollyanna where you just pretend like everything’s great and you live in a world of unreality. No. Faith is facing reality but you just don’t get discouraged by it. Because you know God is in control. God loves you, God cares, God sees and God will help you. So you accept what cannot be changed.

2. Focus on what’s left not on what’s lost.

After a loss you need to find something to be grateful for. There’s always something to be grateful for. Like air. A lot of stuff we just take for granted. When was the last time you thanked God for air? You wouldn’t live the next minute if you didn’t have it. We take so much for granted in our lives and we need to just stop and say God I’m grateful!
Most of the world would love to have your problems. It’s like the old cliché, “I complained I had no shoes until I met a man who had no legs.”
You just need to find something to be grateful for. You focus on what’s left, not what’s lost.

3. The third thing is play it down and pray it up.
After a major loss you play it down and you pray it up. Let me say particularly, if you’re a parent and you go through a crisis you need to do this with your children.
The ones I worry about most on the Gulf Coast are the children because children are traumatized faster than anyone else. Adults will get over this. The parents don’t need to say to their kids, “This is terrible! We’ve lost everything!” They need to reassure their kids and say, “We’re going to make it. We’re here. God’s here. You’re here. We’re going to make it.” You play it down and you pray it up and you talk to God about it.

Release your grief, resist bitterness.

3. The third step in the rebuilding after a total loss is to
re-evaluate.

You reevaluate your life. It is after a major loss that you need to refocus and re-evaluate and redefine and say, What direction does God want me to take now? Disasters have a way of changing our direction, challenging our conception, and redefining our values. It is in a disaster we realize what matters most and what doesn’t matter most. You don’t know God is all you need until God is all you’ve got. Disaster clarifies what matters most.

You don’t confuse your possessions with your purpose in life. But most people do.
And in a crisis if you lose it all it redefines your life.
This happens in every area of life... what do I base my value on?
My net worth? What do i base my home on? house, nieghborhhood, & picket fence?
Or is all about relationships, home is where your heart is.
The same thing is true with church. If you think church is a place that you go to – which it is not – and you think church is a place or it’s a building and it’s stone and steeple and pew and stained glass and then all of a sudden in an instant that’s turned into rubble you’ve got to redefine what church is. Church is not a place. Church is people.

Jesus said “Where two or more are gathered in my name there am I in the midst of them.” That means wherever you’ve got a little small group of believers that’s a church. You can have church in a home. We’ve done that and we still do. In the small groups which meet on a regular basis.

God has a meaning and a purpose for everyone. That’s what gives significance. Not sex. Not success. Not salary. Not status. But in serving God and others.

You release your grief, you resist bitterness, you re-evaluate your life. The fourth thing you do after a major loss…

4. You receive help from others.

God never intended for you to go through life on your own power as a lone ranger without anybody else helping you. You were made inadequate so you would need other people. And I was created inadequate so I would need other people. God wired the us that we’re created for community. We’re formed for afamily. We’re made for fellowship. You need me. And I need you. We need each other. And you need other people in your life.

You don’t need a whole bunch of friends. You don’t need a hundred friends. You just need four or five really good ones who are going to stick with you when you lose everything. How do you know who those people are? You’ve got to get close to them. We must cultivate friendships - they take time and effort.

If you’re going to rebuild your life after a loss you must have other people in your life. You can’t do it by yourself. You can’t. That’s why you’re going to have to swallow your pride and let people get close to you. And you’re going to have to let go of some of your fears in order to let people get close to you.

A lot of people have never experienced true intimacy. Why?
Because we keep people at a distance. We don’t let them get too close. If they get too close, they’ll see my fears. They’ll see what I’m afraid of. They’ll see my weaknesses.
If they get close and they see the real me and then they won’t like me I’m up a creek without a paddle. Because I’m all I’ve got. You must risk vulnerability if you’re ever going to have intimacy. You must let people get close to you. Let your husband get close to you. Let your wife get close to you. Let your friends get close to you.

Again, you don’t need everybody close to you. You only just need a few – three, four, five people in your life who are going to be there when the tough times come and the winds blow.
So you receive help from others. Here’s the fifth step in rebuilding your life…

5. Rely on the Lord.

You receive help from others but you rely on the Lord. Let me be real clear about this. You cannot rebuild your life after a major loss without God. Not the way you’re intended to build it.
There are five qualities you need to rebuild your life. You need first, peace. You need peace of mind.
Second, you’ve got to have hope in order to rebuild your life. Then you’ve got to have wisdom. You’ve got to have courage. And you’ve got to have strength.

Where are you going to get those five things – peace and hope and wisdom and courage and strength? There’s only one place you get those things to rebuild a life. You get them from trusting in Jesus Christ. In fact, look at the next five verses. Circle those five words in these five verses.
First you need peace. The Bible says in Isaiah 26:3 “You, Lord, give true peace to those who depend on You.” Circle “peace.” You get peace from depending on God. You can either panic or pray, worry or worship. He says “Trust in Me and I’ll give you peace.”
Second, you need hope. Psalm 62 “I find rest in God. Only He gives me hope.” If you don’t have any hope you’re not living. You’re just existing. You need hope to cope. You’ve got to have hope. Where do you get it? “I find rest in God. Only He gives me hope.”

Then the next verse, Psalm 3:3 “You’re my shield, my wonderful God, who gives me courage.” You’ve got to have courage to rebuild your life. You get it from God. That verse really means, He lifts up my head. He says, “I’ll boost you up. Don’t be so down.”
And the next verse, “I will bless the Lord who counsels me. He gives me wisdom in the night. He tells me what to do.” If you’re going to rebuild your life you’re going to need some
guidance. And it’s got to be good guidance. Nobody knows what the future holds but God does. And He can give you wisdom.
And the last verse, Isaiah 12 says “God is my Savior. I will trust Him and not be afraid.” The Lord gives me power and strength. He says I’ll give you strength to rebuild your life.
Notice all of these are gifts. He gives me, He gives me, He gives me… you don’t earn them. You don’t deserve them. You don’t work for them. They’re simply gifts of God when we give
ourselves to Him.
The acid test of your faith is how you handle the losses of life. The acid test is not how you handle the weddings or the baby
dedications. But how do you handle the funerals of life. How you handle the losses of life shows what kind of faith you have. Where do you get that kind of faith?

You need to be attached to God. You lean on Jesus for peace and you look to Jesus for hope and you lean on Jesus for courage. And you listen to Jesus for wisdom. And you live in Jesus for strength. That’s where it comes from.

Let me ask you. Where do you need strength in your life right now? What are you going through? What problem are you facing that you’ve been trying to face on your own? Some of you still haven’t recovered from a loss that happened a week or a month or a year ago. And you’re still holding on to that hurt. You need to let it go. You need to start rebuilding.

6. Refuse to be discouraged.

You know that God’s purpose is greater than the problems you’re going through. And you’re not on your own any more so you keep moving. What do you do when you can’t move? You still don’t get discouraged. What do you do when you can’t move?

Notice what Jesus said in Luke 21 “By standing firm you will gain life.” Circle “standing firm.” Sometimes you can’t even move but you just stand and you stand firm. (anchors) That means you refuse to be discouraged. The word “refused” means it’s a choice and it is. Discouragement is like happiness. It’s your choice. You don’t have to be discouraged.
If you’re discouraged right now it’s because you’re choosing to be discouraged. You don’t have to think discouraging thoughts. It all depends on what you’re looking at. So you just stand firm when you can’t move.

What do you do when you’ve done all you can and it seems like it’s never enough? What do you say when your friends turn away and you’re all alone? Tell me what do you give when you’ve given your all and it seems like you can’t make it through? You just stand. When there’s nothing left to do you just stand. Watch the Lord see you through. And after you’ve done all you can, you just stand. God will do it!

The seventh step and it’s as important as all the others…

7. You must reach out to others.

God has wired the universe that when we help other people He helps us. When you start helping others He heals you. When you do it. Not then. It’s not I’m going to get my act together, then I’ll start helping other people. No. It’s when not then. It’s when you start to help other people, before your life’s all figured out. When you do that, God says, I see somebody interested in being like Me – helping others and being unselfish. Then God starts healing you. When and then. If you say, “I’ll wait until I get my act all together before I help anybody else,” then you’re never going to help anybody because you’re never going to have it all together. No. You start helping other people and that’s part of the healing process of recovering from a loss. We’re blessed to be a blessing and what we sow we reap. The way God’s figured it out is the more we help other people the more He blesses us.